Developing a Culture of Pause
Developing a Culture of Pause
How Slowing Down Improves Emotional Regulation and Relationships
By: Sean Maloney, LCSW
(Estimate read time: 5 - 10 minutes)
Most of the mistakes that change the course of our lives don’t happen because we don’t care. They happen because we’re moving too fast. We send messages that we later regret. We escalate conflicts that didn’t need to be escalated. We react before we’ve had time to think or even understand our emotions.
A culture of pause is the intentional practice of slowing down the moment between stimulus and response—long enough to choose how you want to show up. Viktor Frankl is attributed as saying, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”
Pause is how we protect that space.
Why We React Instead of Respond
From a psychological and neurological perspective, speed feels protective. When the nervous system perceives threat—emotional, relational, or professional—it prioritizes rapid action and wants to defend, fix, decide, or move on. The problem is that speed narrows perspective.
Neuroscientist Daniel Siegel explains that under stress, the brain becomes less integrated. We lose access to curiosity, empathy, and reflective thinking—precisely the capacities we need most during conflict.
This is why people often say, “I don’t know what came over me.” Nothing mysterious happened. Your nervous system did its job.
Pause is how we teach our nervous system a new job.
How Emotional Reactivity Escalates Conflict
In couples therapy, many conflicts begin with something small—a missed text, a tone of voice—and escalate quickly into global judgments about care or commitment. When reflecting back on heated arguments, one partner often asks themselves, “Why did I even say that?” This rapid escalation can cause one or both partners to become flooded with emotion.
According to research by John Gottman, emotional flooding significantly reduces a person’s ability to regulate emotion or access empathy. This isn’t a character flaw. It is an evolutionarily developed trait designed to help us survive in the harshest environments. In other words, when a person is in reactive mode, they are experiencing diffuse physiological arousal, a body-wide response that makes normal functioning near impossible. This served us well in the ice ages, but perhaps is less effective in a modern era.
Pause changes the trajectory of the conflict by giving our minds and bodies a chance to reset to baseline.
A Leadership Lesson in Moving Too Fast
Early in my career, I led teams in fast-paced organizational environments where decisiveness and efficiency were rewarded. The implicit message was clear: faster is better.
Over time, I noticed a troubling pattern. Errors weren’t happening because people were uncaring or unqualified; they were happening because everyone was moving too quickly. Details were missed. Communication broke down. Relationships were lost. Decisions had to be revisited at real financial and organizational cost.
When we slowed the pace of meetings down—even modestly—mistakes decreased. When we reread emails before pressing send, mistakes decreased. Most notably, when leaders modeled pause instead of urgency, the quality of decision-making improved.
Thus, my life principle of creating a culture of pause was born.
What a Culture of Pause Is (and Is Not)
A culture of pause is the intentional slowing of emotional and behavioral reactions, especially under stress.
It is:
awareness of nervous system activation
delaying response long enough to regain choice
responding in alignment with values
It is not:
avoidance
emotional suppression
passivity
When we pause, we are not trying to avoid the truth of the situation or who we are; instead, we are trying to align reality with perception so we can move forward with intention.
Pause creates an opportunity for acceptance and change.
The Core Skill: Learning to Pause Before You React
At the heart of emotional regulation is a simple but powerful skill: lengthening the gap between the trigger and the response. Even a few seconds can reengage the brain regions responsible for judgment, impulse control, and long-term thinking. According to Stephen Porges’ work on the nervous system, our capacity to communicate, connect, and reflect depends on whether the body perceives safety. Pause helps signal that safety. Without pause, insight remains intellectual. With pause, insight becomes both somatic and behavioral.
Practical Ways to Develop a Culture of Pause
1. Name the Emotional State (Not the Story)
When activated, label the state rather than narrating its meaning.
Examples:
“I’m feeling defensive.”
“This feels urgent.”
“I’m activated right now.”
Siegel refers to this as “name it to tame it.” Emotional labeling reduces physiological arousal and restores choice.
2. Build Structural Pauses Into Daily Life
Pause should not rely on willpower alone.
Examples:
waiting before responding to emotionally charged messages
counting to three before responding
using default phrases like “Let me think about that.”
agreeing to take breaks during conflict
Remember, structure consistently outperforms intention.
3. Use the Body to Slow the Nervous System
You cannot think your way out of activation—but you can regulate your body.
Effective techniques include:
longer exhales than inhales
grounding through the feet
cold water on wrists or face
changing physical locations
Research on nervous system regulation shows that bodily cues of safety precede emotional regulation—not the other way around.
4. Replace “Right Now” With “Next Right Step”
Urgency collapses time. Pause restores sequence.
Ask:
“What actually needs to happen next?”
“What would this look like if I weren’t rushing?”
“What’s the cost of moving too fast here?”
Slowing decisions reduces preventable errors—especially under an emotional load.
5. Make Pause a Shared Value in Relationships
Pause is difficult alone. It becomes sustainable when it’s relational.
Couples benefit from:
naming the need to pause out loud
normalizing breaks during conflict (and honoring a commitment to come back once regulated)
acknowledging restraint instead of escalation
Gottman’s research shows that repair attempts, not perfection, predict relationship success. In fact, in Gottman Relationship Therapy, the goal is a relationship that is repair-capable, not conflict-avoidant. Pause makes repair possible.
Why Developing a Culture of Pause Matters
Without pause, emotional insight stays theoretical—something we understand in our minds but lose access to in moments that matter most. With pause, awareness becomes actionable. Reactivity loosens its grip. Communication gains clarity. Relationships feel safer not because they are conflict-free, but because they become repairable.
Pause is not about slowing life down; it is about reclaiming authorship over your responses. It is the difference between being driven by reflex and guided by intention. Over time, that difference reshapes how we argue, how we apologize, how we love—and how we live.
About the Author
Sean Maloney, LCSW, is the founder of Forge & Form Therapy in the D.C. area. He blends psychodynamic practice with evidence-based tools to help high-performing individuals and couples translate insight into durable change. Forge depth. Form direction.