Relationship Rules to Live By
Gottman & The Four Agreements—simple rules that actually help
By: Sean Maloney, LCSW
(10 - 15 minute read time)
As a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the nation’s capital, I see clients from all walks of life. I work with government employees, military personnel, entrepreneurs, executives, teachers, first responders, clergy, athletes, and everyone in between. I work with them individually and in the relationships they form.
Over the years, my practice has coalesced around two bodies of work: Gottman Relationship Therapy and The Four Agreements (a book written by Don Miguel Ruiz). One is deeply rooted in decades of research and evidence-based practice; the other is gathered from over two hundred years of cultural teachings by one of the most respected ancient civilizations in Central America.
Healthy relationships don’t happen by accident. They’re built—with habits, micro-choices, and a shared operating system (OS). Below is a simple, durable OS that fuses The Four Agreements with core Gottman practices. I offer it as a guide, not a script.
Rule #1: Speak to Build, Not to Win
Countless times, I have sat across from a couple and seen the tone of one partner completely derail the conversation. The way something is said shapes its impact. When you’re able to use gentle start-up and make specific requests, you can stay out of those all-too-familiar attack/defend loops. This approach helps to build the conversation, rather than trying to “win” it.
The Gottmans’ “Four Horsemen” is their metaphor of four destructive communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown. Two to look out for are contempt and criticism. The alternative is what they call “gentle start-up.” This is a technique that avoids contempt and criticism by being direct about what you are experiencing, sharing your feelings, and making direct requests for behavioral change. When making a direct request, focus on the specific behavior you’d like to see, rather than framing it as a judgment about the other person’s character (e.g., “can you please try not to use name-calling during fights” instead of “can you not always be so nasty”).
Similarly, Don Miguel Ruiz teaches us in the Four Agreements to be impeccable with our word - but what does that mean? In the context of relationship building, it means recognizing the power of your words. I often point out in sessions that language matters. In the space between “you hurt me” and “I feel hurt by your actions” lies a world of implication and misunderstanding. If you make it your goal to carefully choose the right language from the start, you can prevent most of what causes relationships to deteriorate.
Finally, I always like to encourage clients to keep it to one topic at a time. Have you ever been in an argument with someone, and they say “and another thing …” while going on to list the twenty-third thing in their list of grievances? No one likes that feeling. The Gottmans call this “kitchen sink fighting.” I simply call it “piling on.” Regardless of what you call it, it creates a dynamic in which the other person can no longer focus on any single direct request because they are inundated with issues. Keep it easier for them by just addressing one thing at a time.
Pro Tips:
Follow this formula feeling + situation + need when directly communicating
Skip the hyperbolic “always/never” language
Avoid piling on
Whenever possible, lead with gratitude
Remember, you are building something meaningful and long-lasting. If you create a dynamic that is oriented around winning and losing, someone is going to walk away with resentment. If, instead, you foster a dynamic organized around common ground and learning from each other, everyone will walk away feeling valued and excited about the burgeoning relationship.
Friction Point: Attacking character (“you always/never…”) triggers defend/attack cycles.
Horseman to spot: Criticism
Antidote: Gentle start-up + a specific request (behavior, not personality).
Do this
Lead with feeling + situation + need.
One topic at a time; no kitchen-sinking.
Say it
“I feel scattered when plans change at the last minute. I need at least 24-hours advance notice whenever possible.”
Rule #2: Breathe Before You Believe
Early in my career, I started developing life principles to guide my personal and professional behavior. I was leading teams that were frequently plagued by mistakes and stressors that didn’t need to be as negatively impactful as they were, and I began to appreciate just how powerful it can be when we slow everything down and take a breath. This realization morphed into a life principle that I call the “culture of pause.”
When we pause, take a breath, and slow down conversations, we can reflect on the narrative forming in our heads. This culture of pause intersects with the Four Agreements’ instruction not to take anything personally. Pausing and removing yourself from the middle of someone else’s narrative allows you to hear the emotion behind their experience and lets you show up in a totally different way for the relationship and not take what they’re saying personally. It allows you to move from “this is about me” to “this is an opportunity for me to learn more about them.”
Taking things personally gets in the way of taking accountability and finding a mutually agreeable path forward. Inevitably, the next behavior to show up is defensiveness. The defensive response typically takes the form of a counterattack and/or excuses for why a behavior was present. You can see right away how that prevents any learning from taking place. Instead, if you can take even just a small slice of ownership and then pivot toward curiosity, you can unlock all kinds of new understanding.
Pro Tips:
Take responsibility and express curiosity
Ask clarifying questions
Try to place the other person at the center of the narrative you are forming, not yourself
Slow down and breathe
Remember, the only universe you are the center of is your own. They are the main character in their story. Your partner’s tone, stress, or shutting down usually reflects what’s happening in their body or past, and is not a reflection of your worth. Calm your body before you decide what it “means.”
So, before you start to believe that what they are saying is all about you and take it personally, implement a culture of pause. Taking a breath and exploring the real meaning behind the narrative will help strengthen any relationship dynamic.
Friction Point: Taking it personally blocks accountability and problem-solving.
Horseman to spot: Defensiveness (counter-attack, excuses)
Antidote: Take even 2% responsibility + curiosity.
Do this
Own your slice out loud.
Ask a clarifying question before responding.
Say it
“You’re right—I interrupted. My part is jumping in too fast. What matters most to you here?”
Rule #3: Verify Before You Vilify
We’ve all been there. A difficult conversation is on the horizon, and you’ve mapped out every possible way the conversation can go. According to your calculations, the chat is doomed for failure because the other person is DEFINITELY going to be a jerk. They are going to dismiss your point of view and assert they have been right from the start. The conversation hasn’t even started, and you’ve tried and convicted the person. This is what happens when we let assumptions drive our emotions (and our behaviors follow suit).
Instead of the above scene playing out in your head, I want you to realize that assumptions breed resentment just as much as creating a ‘me versus them’ mentality. Clarity, on the other hand, always lowers the friction of a conversation - even when the friction started long before the conversation. It’s helpful to take stock of all the assumptions you were making and to ask questions early on to seek clarity. This will allow you to verify the other person’s position on key issues, how they are affected by the topic at hand, and their intent moving forward.
Your mantra on this front can be “ask, don’t guess.” If you are constantly working to replace periods with question marks, then you can have confidence that you are working to challenge your underlying assumptions.
Sometimes, others have already said it best. Brené Brown popularized the principle “to be clear is to be kind,” and I have adopted that as a core tenet of my practice. She goes on to state that “clarity in expectations, feedback, and intentions allows people to understand, adapt, and perform better, ultimately fostering an environment of trust and mutual understanding.” For the Gottman enthusiasts reading this, they will recall that trust and commitment are the two walls that hold up the Sound Relationship House (a framework that fosters the behavioral patterns and commitments necessary for a healthy, long-lasting relationship).
When we take the time to verify our understanding, and challenge our assumptions, we are electing to celebrate our relationships, not vilify them.
Pro Tips:
Align on who/what/when—in writing if needed
Run a 10-minute daily debrief: “What’s one stressor today? How can I support you?”
Replace periods with question marks
Remember, this rule is designed to remove the need for mind-reading. If you are an omniscient superhero, you can skip this rule. Everyone else, this is going to be a critical tool as you build and strengthen your relationships. By creating micro-agreements, you are seeking clarity and eliminating misunderstanding - the perfect recipe for success.
Friction Point: Assumptions breed resentment; clarity lowers friction.
Horseman to Spot: Contempt (it grows in the gap)
Antidote: Fondness & Admiration + written micro-agreements.
Do this
Lock in small, repeatable agreements (who/what/when).
Pair each agreement with one specific appreciation daily.
Say it
“I am feeling disconnected from you. Can we agree to have our phones put away between 8–10 p.m. so we can focus on just us?”
“On Sunday, can we agree to have a 20-minute budget check-in?”
Appreciation: “Thanks for emailing the landlord today—that really took weight off my shoulders.”
Rule #4: Repair Early and Often
Growing up in the United States, I watched Hollywood’s endless portrayals of perfect love: couples face a small setback, then ride off into the sunset happily-ever after. We are taught as children to idealize love and aim for an effortless relationship. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship - romantic or otherwise - knows there is no such thing as an effortless relationship. It’s possible we were sold a bill of goods.
Given that, it is safe to assume ALL relationships will come with hardship. Any time two humans come together, there will be conflict. The secret sauce isn’t in avoiding conflict; it is what you do after. Agreement number four tells us to always try our best. That means showing up each and every day ready to take ownership, listen to understand, and ultimately work to repair any damage caused by the conflictual conversations you have.
The first step in repair is making sure you’re ready for that conversation. (It’s a good time to remember the culture of pause). That requires taking the time to self-soothe when you’ve become emotionally flooded. When we become flooded, we enter a state called diffuse physiological arousal (racing heart rate, tunnel vision, and sweating are examples of your body’s response to DPA). Put plainly, flooded bodies can’t collaborate and heal. So, take the time you need to reduce any physiological arousal you might be experiencing before attempting to repair - but don’t take too long; negative sentiment mounts in those moments passing after the conflict. You’ll know you are regulated when your breath is normal, your heart rate is lowered, your body temperature is reduced, and tension feels released.
Once you have returned to baseline, the real work begins. The important components of that work are understanding the respective realities, knowing what triggers lead to damage, taking ownership of wrongdoing, and committing to learning, growth, and behavioral change moving forward. That is also the essence of always doing your best. It’s not about getting it perfect each and every time. It is about endeavoring to grow throughout all life’s circumstances and relationships.
Pro Tips:
Take the time to self-soothe before trying to repair
Recognize when the Four Horsemen are present and know repair likely needs to follow
Idealize real-life, not what you see on the big screen (or especially on social media)
Remember, taking ownership doesn’t make you the antagonist in this story - it makes you the hero. Ownership creates the space for accepting influence, true compromise, and meaningful growth. When you take the time to hear how you have caused harm, you are signaling that you are invested in this relationship and you value the other person.
Friction Point: All relationships experience conflict. The best couples aren’t fight-free—they’re repair-capable.
Horsemen to Spot: All Four Horsemen
Antidote: A short repair script you both know.
Do this
Name the rupture
Own your part
Empathize
Offer a redo
Check to see if you got it right
Say it
“That landed harshly.”
“I interrupted.”
“I get why that stung.”
“Let’s restart—I'll ask, then listen.”
“Did that help, or is there more?”
Relationships can be incredibly difficult to navigate. So much gets lost in translation even during the best of times. Having the tools to help you put your best foot forward and honor the admiration and fondness you have can make a world of difference in setting you up for success. Apply these four rules to live by, and you will be well on your way to happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationships.
About the Author
Sean Maloney, LCSW is the founder of Forge & Form Therapy in the D.C. area. He blends psychodynamic practice with evidence-based tools to help high-performing individuals and couples translate insight into durable change. Forge depth. Form direction.